If I had a heaven...

I am a firm believer in fate. At the risk of sounding cliché, it’s more than the old saying “everything happens for a reason.” It’s much, much bigger than that. It’s the idea that when a person comes into the world, the course of their life has already been determined from the first breath, to the last. It’s your destiny; an inevitable course of events. Our thoughts, whether they are optimistic or pessimistic, help guide us to our destiny. Our actions, whether motivated by integrity or dishonesty, drive us into the next phase of our life. Our words, whether loving or hateful, create our future. Often times you’ll wonder why something bad has happened to you; the best I can offer is that life is like walking through the fog. Not the kind of fog that just overcasts the sun, but the kind of fog that hides your own front yard and sticks to your skin. God has a path laid out for you but you just can't see what lies ahead. You can only see where your feet are now and try to avoid the puddles and broken sidewalks and dog poop. God has a path laid out for you, and you just have to trust that you're going in the right direction. Sometimes you trip, sometimes you sit down on the curb and cry, but eventually you get up and start moving in the right direction again.

Although your fate has already been mapped out, free choice is the vector in which make our lives ever-changing. Everyone shares the same milestones that make it possible for them to move onto the next stage of living: moving up in grade school, getting a license, graduating high school, falling in love – these are all crucial parts of growing into and accepting adulthood.
There is no doubt that life has its ups and downs, but having the ability to stand in the fire and having the patience, the tenacity, to wait till it burns out to sift through the ashes to find your jewel, your “lesson”, is what will bring you out on top. By the summer of last year, I look back and describe myself as a “free faller”. I had no direction and lacked the motivation to care. I had spent so long letting things happen to me instead of realizing that I could control it. Tragedies such as car accidents, bad break-ups, and constant moving, have shaped me and molded me into the person I am today.

There was one car accident in particular that was a turning point in my life. Last November, I was in a car accident that not only totaled my car, but brought me closer to treasures I never really knew I had. Without transportation, I was unable to continue dragging my photography equipment around to various job sites, and was forced to leave photography behind me in acceptance of the situation. Even though it meant sacrificing certain freedoms, I had no choice but to move in with the family I’d always known from a distance. From that point on, I’ve never been happier.

I realized a lot of things in my time at the house: 1) Parents are amazing for self-esteem, 2) Being surrounded by people that love me provides a sense of security, and 3) Living rent free is amazing. For once, I was finally hearing the things I needed to hear: “Go to school, Jacee”, and followed up by regular nagging. Knowing that someone wanted me to succeed was enough motivation for me to pull real life off of back burner and finally move forward. I was learning to dream again.

Part of moving forward means surrounding yourself with the right kind of people. We all know the consistent cycle I went through with Chris. I dealt with things by not dealing with them, and put up with a lot, for a lot longer than what was healthy. He was my life, all I knew, and all I thought I had. It felt like the process of removing him from my head and my heart was an eternal torture that haunted me around the clock. I had lost myself completely. I could not have handled it without people around to lovingly remind me that I deserved better. It took time, but in dealing with it, I found a new dimension to the “I” that hadn’t been defeated after all. Through growth I am a different person – for the next one…

If I had a heaven, it would be a night like tonight. A night like this is a night for reflection. The stars are twinkling through a light mist, and it lays a sense of peace over the world. I absorb the darkness, the freshness, and thank God for bringing me through it all. I’ve built stronger bonds with family, and was delighted to welcome other family back from Texas. I’m living in a home that I consider myself lucky to have, and share it with the greatest friend I could ever hope for. I’m proud to be enrolled in college, to be driving a new car, and to know that I have an amazing support system.

The last year has been a tumultuous year, but I made it through and now the only baggage I carry, are the lessons I learned along the way. My reflection tonight ends with the satisfaction of knowing that I’ve made it this far without regrets.