This is NOT what I signed up for.

We had a noise complaint a few weeks ago and ever since then, it seems like our mere presence is a catalyst for drama. It was a legitimate complaint and I saw it coming. I was actually supposed to be elsewhere that night but when Jackie told me who she had invited over, I cancelled plans and came home to hold down the fort. I don't blame them for complaining that time because the noise was ridiculous, but ever since then, they've really gone over the top.

After the incident, the neighbor left a nasty note on our door listing all the rules we had broken. I wrote her back an entire page of syrupy-sweetness and she loved it. The next day there was a Thank You card on my door. She said we had made amends and that it was no longer a big deal, but still felt it necessary to mention it at the next homeowners meeting. All the board members dislike us already and involved our relator. Now I get a call every few days from either the relator or somebody on the HOA board to talk about disturbances.

As of today, I've had enough. I was leaving for work and at no fault of my own, or anybody I know, there was a Sparks beer can by my front tire. Oh lucky me guess who happened to be walking by at that moment? Some nameless person on the board of nazi homeowners. She made the motion of rolling down my window while still pointing at the beer can, and proceeded to tell me that this must be my beer can because they are "consistently cleaning up garbage after people that come to [my] house". The expression on her face didn't change after I pushed the fact that this was not my beer can. Can someone please tell me how my beer cans look different than someone else's beer cans? We've been very picky about who comes over ever since the noise complaint, and basically we've only had a few girly friends dwindle in and out here and there. Long story short, Lady, any garbage you find is not mine.

And I'll tell you what, Lady, as long as we're on the subject of discontent, I'm sure you'd care to hear this is NOT what I signed up for. When I signed that lease, I had windows. I had BLINDS. I had a patio. I didn't have construction guys walking through my house without notice. I didn't know I would be waking up after a nap on the couch, and seeing my patio door open with men on my patio, playing with my cat. I didn't know all the parking spots would be filled by construction materials. I didn't know we would never get a garage key, or a cabana key, or a mailbox key. I didn't know everyone in the building would start blaming everything on us!

I've got news for you Lady, they aren't my beer cans, and at this point, you're lucky I don't go postal on you.