Finding Appreciation

The neighbors left their porch light off again without knowing they were creating the perfect venue for me to reflect in the darkness of my own stoop, surrounded completely by the freezing night. I welcome any chance to think in peace.

I don't know what it is about nights like this that captivate me so. Maybe it's the right-braininess of my character that chooses to survey a dreary night and only take in the raw beauty of it all. With each moment I take in something that I had previously missed, like the way a wave of snow cascades down from a weak branch everytime a strong wind blows. These moments just after midnight are so peaceful.

As much as I wish I could find something beautiful in everything, while I make the lap around my neighborhood, it's impossible not to notice the almost forgotten remains of many houses left unfinished, most are nothing more than a cement foundation. The work sites were abandoned back in the summer time as the builder realized that his work was no longer selling. I feel bad for him because I view these property remnants as evidence that our society is crumbling, and the phrase that keeps coming to mind is that graveyards of our economy lay stranded in my own backyard.

It brings thoughts back around to my own life. Things are indeed changing, but in growing up, I think change really is the only constant. Everyday I am learning more about myself and reflect it upon every choice I make: what classes I sign up for, who I choose to spend time with, what things are important in my life, etc. I am pretty sure I've pinned down what I want to do with my life, but it revolves around a few factors, so I guess what it comes down to is that things are very rarely "for certain" in my life.

There is also something brewing these days that I think has real potential to be amazing, but it involves some definite work on my part. As much as I convince myself that I'm over the past, that I'm over all the things that most people will never know about me, wounds continue to reveal themselves as new situations unfold.

Through no fault of his own, I realized that someone who is absolutely perfect in my eyes is all it takes for all my feelings of inadequacy to surface. I don't know how I will ever get over that, but I hope someday soon I'll develop the sense of security that I haven't felt with someone in ages.

I finish the lap, as well as my reflection, and arrive back at my house.

Upon stepping across the threshold, before even kicking off my snowy boots, my sister's husband Rick looks at me in bewilderment and regarding my absence into the freezing weather says,

"Was it worth it?"

"Yes." And with that, I head upstairs.

I don't bother explaining how amazing it can be to wander while the darkness saturates my being. I already know that few people seem to appreciate it the way I do. The universe will never cease to hold my curiosity and leave me in awe.