made my morning

I stopped off at Starbucks this morning, ordered a venti drip coffee, and the barista goes to fill up my cup. With her back towards me, she says,

"Would you like room for cream?"

"Yea that'd be great".

And without missing a beat, she turns around to face me and says, "Would you like a million dollars?"

.."Well, yea, that'd be great too."

Thanks, Starbucks Lady, your early morning wit made me smile the whole way to class.

for those who keep tabs on me...

It seems like change is the only constant in my life. Once in awhile I glance back on my old blogs to see what I was up to a few months ago, who I was interested in, what I was concerned about, etc. It’s only then that I realize the bad thing about keeping a public blog. It leaves me wide open for everyone to make observations about patterns I fall into, and how I change through different people that come in and out of my life. But if I really disliked that people are able to keep tabs on me, I wouldn’t keep writing.

Anyways, my reason for today’s blog is because over the weekend I was updating a friend on my “current events”, and told him about how “Charming” already had his eyes on me. This friend says,

“Jacee, don’t you ever think you should just… I dunno… be alone?”

Well, yes, that’s a fantastic point, but see, the thing is that I already know I am just fine being alone. The problem is with the people who constantly need someone else around just to feel happy. There is nothing at all about being single that bugs me. I don’t mind being my friends’ 3rd or even 5th wheel, sometimes I take road trips by myself, and sometimes I go out to a movie by myself if there’s something I want to see.

It wasn’t always like that though. It took me a long of being alone after the break-up with The Ex last year before I was comfortable being on my own. Now that I’m to that point, being single is great, but it’s also nice to have someone to call and say goodnight to before bed. The talking part is the best part, and is basically the only reason I ever keep anyone around. If we have stupid conversations or awkward silences, not happenin’.

And so yes, currently, I am “alone”, but all that means to me is that I have no valid reason to push Charming away from getting to know me just because it happens to be close to when my recent interest came and left so abruptly. But that is all beside the point. Earlier today I came to the conclusion, (mind you, this was after I feeling very lucid and PUMPED from cardio yoga, went jogging, and rearranged all the furniture in my room), that the reason I have no problem being alone in every sense of the word is because if all else fails (and I don’t find someone who will ACTUALLY stick around), I would love to just bust through life as one of those powerhouse women who doesn’t need anybody else (besides my family and friends XOXO :)

Maybe that’s just the jaded/bitter heart in me trying to get its two cents in, but I don’t see that turning out so bad. I’m glad knowing I can be happy either way.

a case of the Mondays

Oh man, I'm tired today, and I think that Charming-New-Man-Friend-With-The-Great-Smile got me sick when we hung out last week. Dang. My plan is to sweat it all out in hot yoga tonight, and I see this ending in one of two ways:
1. All goes according to plan, I sweat out the bug and carry on my merry way,
or 2. I get crazy dehydrated in the heat, pass out in class, and do more damage than good.
Should be fun.

I also started classes this morning. I had forgotten how much it SUCKS to wake up at 5:45am lol. Even though I was a few minutes late, and had to sprint across campus and up a flight of stairs, it was nice to fly into math and see four familiar faces. I don't spend enough time with school friends when class isn't in session (I'll try to work on that during the next break :) .

I'm one, not half of two.

I've had an epiphany. I'm done being pathetic over my recent break-up. I made a drunk dial earlier, and after it went to voicemail, I asked myself, "What the hell am I doing this for?"

One thing I'll never forget is when I asked this confused ex-boyfriend why he was even with me, and his response was, "I just want to be happy." At the time, this "being happy", meant being with me. When that was no longer the case, he bailed, and that's completely fine now because that's how a relationship should be.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't initially "completely fine" with the break up. In reality, when I woke up last Sunday morning, I was on my friend's living room floor, with my eyes almost completely swollen shut. I took a shower, put on a face masque to soothe my skin and warm tea bags over my swollen eyelids. As I washed my face and blew out my hair without any products or flat irons or round brushes, I stopped and stared in the mirror and my splotchy, swollen face. And I saw my big green eyes. As I shook my head, my unruly waves bounced and I decided that, for now, I just needed to worry about figuring out once and for all what was wrong behind those eyes.

waiting till the shine wears off

Looks like I'm back at square one. This is kind of a sucky place to be, because if you are back to square one, you have to start working on a plan from the beginning because your previous attempt failed, and the progress you made is now wasted. Wasting time... apparently I'm good at that. I am also too young to wait around for someone to tell me "maybe someday...". I'm beginning to understand that even though I know what I want, very few men I've met have any idea at all. And in the interest of not wasting anymore time, I've already been re-released into the wild with a bang.

And so far, square one really isn't lookin' all that bad. I'm wrapping up the greatest week I've had in who-knows-how-long, and although I do have a bit of man gossip, the reason my week has been so great was because I've spent more time with my 3 best girl friends than I have in the last year. Robyn has been hiding in Ellensburg for years but is now back in Federal Way. Not exactly local, but close enough for my hybrid to bust down there without breaking the bank. Speaking of breaking the bank, I FINALLY went to the Puyallup Fair! I've been trying to get down there for weeks but of course nothing ever works out as planned (story of my life haha). Lynsey, Robyn and I had a girls day at the fair, wrapped it up with a teriyaki dinner and lounging in the hot tub at her condo.

There are a lot of reasons why I'm glad Robyn is back on this side of the mountains, but for one, I never woulda met this oh-so-charming friend of hers. I know that time off after being completely dropped is generally a good rule of thumb, and yes I know that time heals all wounds, and blah blah blah... You know what else also heals wounds? The most gorgeous 26-year old I've ever met taking me across the ferry for a nice dinner on Bainbridge Island. I'm such a sucker for a handsome man with a big smile :) .

Yup, I think I'm gonna be just fine.

new rule

Rule #1. No drinking and blogging.

I just woke up and vaguely remembered a blog I posted about 5 hours ago. I hope I got it down before anyone saw it. How embarrassing.

rave for all things that make me sweat

Yesterday I was decided to expand on my recent obsession for yoga and signed up for a "hot yoga" class. At 130 degrees, the "hot" part was no joke. The workout itself in normal conditions would have been a piece of cake, but set in a room hotter than Africa made it almost unbearable. There were times when I could hardly see because of the sweat barreling down my forehead into my eyes, then trying to wipe it away only to realize that my hands and arms were already soaked. After 90 minutes of exhaustion in the studio, I stepped outside into the cool Washington weather feeling like a dehydrated raisin. All in all, it was a good experience and I highly recommend it. Even though I have my normal yoga class on Tuesday and Thursday nights, I think I'll incorporate hot yoga in at least once a week on Monday or Wednesday. Let me know if you'd like to join me sometime!

http://www.hotyogamillcreek.com/home

my kind of therapy

I'm very confused right now, and last night it seemed like a fantastic idea to drown my sorrows in Jack Daniels. I am realizing I have a hard time with that whole "drinking in moderation" concept. It was a great night even though both Jackies kept egging me on to take "just one more" shot of vodka. That was the deal, no tears of confusion or pathetic drunk dialing, just shots. I need to figure out what's going on. I need to figure out what I did wrong and if it's fixable. I wish I could put life on hold and just drive until I feel like stopping, and go find a field or a forest to relax in. Bring my camera, bring my notebook, and take some time to make sense of everything.

I'm kind of running away, but don't worry Mom, I'll be back by Monday before work. After I've served my time at work today (only 3 hours to go) I'm making the long trek out to the land-of-barely-no-cell-phone-reception to visit a friend I haven't seen in over a year. She's the kind of friend I need right now. Even while she's pushin' 40, we have such a great friendship that thrives off the age difference. She just gets me, and can give me advice like a mother and a best friend. I miss her. Hopefully that should keep my mind off of waiting for the phone call that tells me what's going on. I'm so confused :(

Man, sometimes I can be really pathetic. Ugh.

I wish it would rain.

I think I was right about the bad situation I talked about in last night's blog. Looks like I might have to let this light go and wait for the next one.

the queen of cliche

It's almost midnight now and I just got home. A few hours ago I decided to go on a late night adventure by myself to do some thinking.

A friend recently told me that he was disappointed in my blog over the past few months; that I used to be so full of wonder, and that the pattern in my writings is like watching a car accident in slow motion. That was kind of brutal, but that's why a field trip was in order. I wanted time to reflect on myself, the path I've chosen, and whether or not I'm happy with the way things have changed.

I ventured down to the University District and stopped by the 24-hour coffee and donut shop on 45th. This was the place I used to meet up with the homeless man I befriended, Lloyd. We'd get a round of coffee and donuts to enjoy as we sat and chatted about life while the world snowed in around the warm, little shop. To me, those were the good ol' days before I allowed myself to feel the bitterness around me. So tonight, I grabbed a coffee and headed over to Gas Works Park. That will always be the place I can find peace, and this definitely wasn't the first night I sat on the waterfront with only my thoughts.

People find beauty in different things, like watching the sunset or looking out at a serene mountain landscape. No doubt those are great things, but for me, there is so much beauty in the city at night. I get lost in amazement while gazing across the water at Seattle, something I think of as "accidental beauty"... maybe that makes sense to you, maybe it doesn't. I think too much about the little things, like the hundreds of people that possibly forgot to turn their office lights off when they left at closing, not knowing they were lighting up a picturesque view for people across the water, or the pilot navigating a plane as it flies breathlessly overhead, and the person cruising a low lit sailboat across the water. It all comes together perfectly without intention, and that it why I call it accidental.

So there I am, sitting on the waterfront sipping hot coffee, and thinking about life. Don is right, I used to have a giving heart. What changed in me? Is this what growing up does to people? How did people like Mother Theresa get through life without falling victim to this? While churning through different ideas about what happened to the old me, I pinned down something I've been feeling a lot of this past year, and I should've realized it sooner. Often it feels like I'm getting someone else's leftovers, getting what's left behind after everyone else has gotten what makes them happy, and then trying to hold onto something that I might not even want, just so that I've got something, too. This is where my relationships go wrong, not just romantic relationships, but with family and friendships as well. At what point does one decide to stop giving and demand whatever it is that makes them happy? Have I reached that point? And if I did, when? These thoughts remind me of how many mistakes I've made recently. I'm afraid I've set myself in a particulary crappy situation that I won't go into detail about, and all there is to do at this point is keep pursuing happiness and hope that all the other problems melt away. But still, it feels like I'm always catching the yellow light, caught between deciding to run it or be considerate and wait for the next one.

I've never understood why people in a bad situation will comfort another by saying, "It gets better," even if those words are empty. I'm exploring a new meaning in the phrase, maybe the "it" is the person they're speaking to. Maybe the key to happiness is knowing that I will get better... better at negotiation, better at knowing people, better at keeping myself safe, better at guarding my heart. I've said it before but I'll say it again, I know I'm young, and knowing that, I realize that I'm still learning, still growing, and realizing that I have all the time in the world to do so.

school stuff

The break from classes has been very rejuvenating. It feels good to sleep in and actually have time to get ready in the morning. I've earned the infamous reputation by my friends as always wearing something that looks remarkably similar to pajamas. It's no accident, I am just that lazy. But, for the last two weeks, I've been spotted many times wearing real clothes. Impressed? You should be.

Time off is definitely a breath of fresh air but I'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of school. This quarter's roster of classes should keep me pretty busy. Math and I still disagree on many things but 5 of my school friends from Math 90 have signed up for precalculus and it'll be easier to take it with people I know. I'm glad my study group will stay intact. After math, I'm taking Spanish 101 and the concurrent lab 102. Should be good, a few friends have raved about the teacher (and if all goes according to plan, looks like I'm going to Mexico next year, better study up!). And lastly, yoga. Definitely my favorite class out of the line-up. I'm counting on it to whip me into shape. Whoever says yoga is easy deserves a good punch to the face. I did a couple short workouts from the On-Demand section of Comcast's features, and the yoga-cardio kicked my ass. My legs and arms feel like jello.

That brings me to the next topic, I started the Atkins diet yesterday as another attempt at getting back in shape. I'm liking it so far, I can handle only eating meat and vegetables, but in all honesty, the absence of alchohol is my diet is really sucking. After the first two weeks, I'm allowed a glass of wine with dinner. That's gonna be a bigggg glass, I'll tell ya that much already. Somebody needs to make diet wine. That would be amazing.

I guess that's all I've got for now. I'm heading to the theater tonight after work. Should be a good show, but I'll have to tell everyone to keep me out of the popcorn.